The best way to get the pleasure you want is – to tell your partner what you like in bed.
TRUE OR FALSE?
What do you think?
I’m really curious because it seems like most people would say this is TRUE.
If you answered TRUE, please read on, I’m curious to know what you think of my theory.
If you answered FALSE, please read on, I’d love to know if you see this like I do.
So I’ve seen these memes around lately, posted by sex educators and sex therapists.
Memes saying things like:
“How to get the pleasure you want?
Simple: TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU LIKE.”
Yeah maybe. But also maybe not.
In fact, this kind of statement can be disempowering and downright false.
Why? Well, I have 2 main reasons.
1. TECHNIQUE IS ONLY ONE SMALL PART OF THE PICTURE
We can’t simply assume that ‘getting’ the pleasure you want is about technique – a certain flick of the wrist, a particular angle or speed and Yesss! That’s the magic spot!
It’s true that technique has a place, but there are so many layers to exploring sexuality and pleasure with someone.
Other factors to consider include:
Compatibility, feeling safe with them, feeling connected/open to them, intimacy skills, mental health, body sensitivity, past traumas, emotional intelligence, capacity for presence, stress levels, time in your cycle (if you bleed), libido etc.
AND… Ok here’s the controversial one:
2. (I BELIEVE) MOST PEOPLE DON’T TRULY KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE IN BED
Statistics show that most of us stop developing sexual skills at a young age, after our first few sexual partners.
We can easily get stuck in ruts of what we think we like and what we think our lovers like, doing the same few positions and getting repetitive, rather than expanding our repertoire and getting curious about what’s possible.
We’re not taught about our pleasure potential. We’re often influenced by porn culture and goal-oriented approaches to sex that are focused on having a quick orgasm, rather than truly enjoying the whole journey of the sexual experience.
Most people haven’t chosen to prioritise discovering the fullness of their sexual selves, and haven’t decided to nurture a deep relationship with this part of themselves that is always evolving and changing.
Our tastes and desires constantly shift. We don’t like the same thing forever.
Sometimes we know what we want, but other times what we truly desire isn’t exactly something you can ask for… (or even something we have words for easily!)
SO HOW CAN YOU TRULY GET THE PLEASURE YOU WANT?
Here are my recommendations:
On a personal level…
* Exploring your sexuality for yourself
* Releasing your shame and guilt around sex
* Harmonising your nervous system / releasing stress
* Sensitising your body for pleasure & aliveness
* Remembering that your pleasure potential is infinite
And if you’re in a relationship…
* Inviting your partner to meet you in that place
* Committing to exploring and evolving together
* Co-creating a space of intimacy where you both feel met
* Learning new skills to deepen your connection such as mindful touch using sensual and relaxing massage. I can help you with this area, if you would like to take your massage skills to the next level, then why not try the Couples 2 hour Private Massage workshop, You will learn a host of ways to help each other relax and create a warm loving space for each other, the workshop can be customized to suit your comfort levels. This workshop is a must for couples who are dedicated to continuing to build their relationship in a passionate, nurturing, healthy way.
Massage class specifically for couples
Learn to work out knots and relieve stress
Enhance trust and intimacy with your partner
A couples massage class is the gift that keeps on giving! Work knots, relieve tension and learn how to sustain massage without your hands getting tired. This class for two means that if either of you are having a stressful day, the other is always able to soothe your weary body.
Deepen connection, intimacy and love with your partner.
Find more depth and fulfilment in your everyday life.
couples need sensual massage, were not talking abount sexual massagee that focuses on the genitals. were talking about touching and soothing the toes, arms, back of letgs, back, the slow kneading of muscles that relaxes your partner. There is a reward, giving such a massage allows you to discover your partners body and what feels good to him or her. For both sexes the entire body is a sexual organ, the entire skin, just as much as the so called erogenous spots or zones.
Sensual massage might lead to sexual massage, but this happens only when the couple wants and allows it to happen.